But only for now...

I have recently ended a friendship. And more. If I am truthful, I didn't end it. I didn't want to. I wanted to hold onto it with both arms and legs screaming until it gave up, hugged me back, stroked my hair until the tears had stopped, sung the entire album of Les Mis to me and told me it loved me. But I wasn't allowed. Utter bastard.

I have since spent the past three weeks trying not to think about it. Some days are more successful than others. Some days I hardly think of the situation and when my mind does wander over to that friendship I'm no longer allowed to experience, I smile at the complication that has left my life, at how simple my world has become and at how focused I can be at work. I am pretty much every Beyonce and Destiny's Child music video that was ever released. Well, y'know, the kicks arse ones. Who Runs The World, Girls! is basically performed in my head as I strut my way through the city of Manchester. Try it. The word "empowered" doesn't do the feeling justice.

But then there are those days when I'm amazed at how well I'm functioning whilst the internal screams and sobs ponder if he, The Boy, is even thinking about me? If I have entered into his subconscious at all, if only briefly? If at any one time during his day have I crossed his mind and he thought "I wonder what she's doing right now?" Or dare I even think it; I wonder he if misses me? Even if only the smallest amount.

Is this just plain old human nature? Is it our innate sense to ponder our existence in the eyes of others? Does everyone go through this? Have I finally Graduated into adult womanhood? I've never been prouder. And more frustrated. Because frankly, it is as exhausting as hell. Not that I would know if hell is exhausting having never been, but the expression seemed to fit and so I went with it.

I have decided, therefore, that this is possibly the most difficult part to move on from. The not knowing. The wondering. The constant want to know if that other person is even as half as effected as yourself. Once that has passed I think I will be able to handle anything the world decides to throw at me, once again.

Because let's face it; everything is life is only for now.