And I feel so broken...

I have recently been introduced to the artist Leddra Chapman and have become rather obsessed with her new song 'broken'. It's absolutely beautiful and its message is something I think everyone has felt at one point in their life. The song describes how broken you can feel after a partner decides they don't love you enough to spend their life with you. I simply adore it, especially the line 'See I was told time breaks the fall, I think time's forgotten me!' Goodness me, how I relate to that line. I was most definitely raping the repeat button listening to this YouTube clip during my final week of assignment. 

However, something happened last week which made me realise that it is not only boyfriends or girlfriends that can leave us feeling broken, but any loved one. Especially a friend. I have mentioned my male flatmate before, but have yet to mention that I actually have (had) a female flatmate too. During my first year of university I thought she was the sweetest thing. Just a darling person who I was lucky to have met. We would spend hours laughing over the most mundane things, eat absolute crap and dance the uni nights away after drinking some indescribable concoctions. Standard, really. 

Over the last year though, everything changed and she really has left me feeling utterly broken. And what did she do? Nothing. Absolutely nothing. But that is exactly the problem. When she told me that she would have difficulty paying rent, I persuaded our other flatmate to reduce hers, and yet when the same was asked of by our flatmate on my behalf (something he did without me realising) her response was 'I can't think of others when I have myself to consider'. That was more than a little gutting. There have been a hundred different things that have upset me since, but I'm not going to waste my time even thinking about them, let alone writing them down. 

Last week, though, that is what hurt. Recently she decided to move out earlier than planned (which really isn't a bad thing, as my male flatmate and I have another friend who is moving in for our last two months of residency and is more fun in one day than our previous flatmate has ever been in the (almost) two years I have lived with her.) However, it was when she actually packed up her bags and left without even a goodbye. That hurt. Our male flatmate, who she once upon a time thought of as rude, sarcastic and smug received a hand made card with 'oh so touching' words written inside and what did I receive, her 'best friend' from uni? Nothing. Absolutely nothing. I didn't even receive a text informing me of the actual day she was moving out. First of all, I was slightly cheesed off (to say the least) but then I simply felt hurt. Although we have clearly drifted apart, I have always remained polite and even tried to remain interested in her general life (even after her response to my Grandfathers death - 'aw, that's sad :( '- followed by the continuation of her telling me about her dissertation. I kid you not) and yet, I received nothing. 


I don't think I have ever felt so hurt by a friend in my life. Not even when at the age of 16, my best friend (at the time) hooked up with my first love, my ex boyfriend (ex, of just a week) whom I loved and still very much loved at the time. My flatmate leaving without so much as a goodbye hurt more. Far more. I clearly meant nothing to her, and this from a girl I stuck up for and almost lost friends over. 


I have always been somewhat of a push over, but having this girl walk all over me and not even care enough to say Ciao! hurts more than any of those broken hearts. I was going to send her an email asking why she felt the need to ignore me so completely, but then I thought, why. Why the hell should I give her the satisfaction of knowing how much she hurt me, so instead I write this post to release my frustration and let the world (or the readers of this blog at least) know how much she hurt me and how very thoughtless I now think she is. I'm telling you, it feels so much better. 


So, for all of us that have been or felt broken by any loved one, friend or partner, I suggest we spend the length of Leddra's song feeling sad and then say a rather loud 'FUCK YOU' and never, not once, give that shitty person another thought...


...where was I? Oh, yes, raping the repeat button of Leddra's fabulous song. Back to it, I think.