My brother-in-law, Dr. Karl, although one of the campest men you'll ever meet (the man bought 'The Phantom of the Opera' with his first army wages), because of his time in the army is one of the most anally organised men in existence. When he's on form, it's almost scary.
Sister and I take great pleasure in finding something 'highly important' to complete at the exact moment we are due to leave the house. He nearly always implodes. Suddenly this camp giant turns into Sergeant Major and if you look hard enough you can just about make out the steam that is shooting from his ears as he paces back and forth.We are too cruel, I know, but if you saw the look on his wee face, you'd most certainly join us. We have decided it's good for him as he needs to relax on such matters now that my niece has been born. Ok, this is just what we say to others when they tell us we are being mean, but really, with a tiny baby, is he ever going to be on time again? I think not. See, we're doing him a favour really.
However, I am digressing, as I often do. Dr. Karl's new project before the birth of his daughter was to organise my parents home one step at a time. For starters he has been transferring all our old videos onto DVD's. Well, whatever makes him happy and all that jazz. Every time I go home there is yet another home video to watch, and frankly, I'm loving it. I am about to sound incredibly egotistical here and honestly, I'm not sure I care. I was a damn cute child! There, I said it. And getting to see myself and Sister (not to mention Mum's wonderful eighties hair dos - a permed mullet, I kid you not -and outfits. What I adore the most is her excuse for such a choice of hairstyle "Well, Kevin Keegan had one!" There are no words) as wee ones is just a little bit too much fun. I know what you're thinking...someone has a high opinion of themselves! Believe me, I no longer think this way. Stepping back and taking a look at myself nowadays, I am not filled with even half the confidence I had then, but looking at my childhood self on our ginormous television (the chavy telly, as my mum likes to call it) all that confidence comes flooding back. I remember myself then and how I felt as if no time has past at all. So what happened to this almost overly confident child? Where on God's green earth did she fuck off to?
I was fearless as a tiny tot, utterly fearless, to the point where my mum wondered how on earth she was ever going to scare me away from all the dangers that I may come across. The first time I ever remember being remotely scared of anything whatsoever was watching Jurassic Park with Sister and my dad on our floral two seater sofa, and that was not until I was 9. For years afterwards I refused to sleep with my legs outside of the covers (because a duvet is really going to protect my from a dinosaur...and yes, I did realise that dinosaur's were extinct). However, before then I really struggle to think of one thing that frightened me. I asked my mum but she too struggled to come up with anything. She also struggles to remember first words come to think of it but then again she's not all that sentimental. Or at least, that's what she tells me (worrying!).
I looked at that little fearless thing on the screen in front of me and became fascinated and frustrated by her. How could that strong willed girl have let go of such a beautiful belief in herself? I can't help but wonder where she went and what it was that made her hide away? I would like to have even a snippet of her back again. She is so much cooler than I am now (cow!). I always assumed it was a gradual process that befalls every overly confident child at one point, but I can't help but think I have lost more than a normal amount of confidence.
In one of the said videos I can't get over how different I seem. I had always thought of myself as a major tomboy, and although I clearly was (refusing to wear a dress or a skirt, a hatred of all things barbie and pink related as well as a love of getting dirty kind of says it all), watching this video showed me a side to myself I never knew existed. I was as a child, and this surprises me more than anything else, almost elegant. How is this possible, I was a child for crying out loud. I can't tell you how I was almost elegant, but that's the only way to describe it. I seem so at home on the stage that it's hard to recognise my-now-self in that little girl. I'd hate to think what she'd say if she saw me/herself now. Sorry, little one.
As we went on watching these videos an old 'news' clip came on with me and my year three class digging for fossils on our local beach. Growing up on the coast this is pretty standard. However, watching this specific clip I suddenly had a slight insight into where and when that little girl began to hide. My year three teacher came up on the news clip and out of nowhere I was momentarily filled with so much anger I couldn't keep any of it in. All of sudden my family had to witness me spit out 'Get off my fucking television you vile piece of shit excuse for a person! Bitch!'. Let me assure you that I have never, ever been the type of person to use language in that manner. Ok, yes, my friends will tell you I swear like a trooper, and I do - I'm Catholic and Italian, it's just part of my DNA - but I almost never swear when I am truly angry. Mainly because I just don't seem to get all that angry very often but also because I am not a very confrontational person, so on the rare occasion that I do become angry it's usually kept well hidden. However, I spat this out with such venom that not only were my family taken aback but I was too. My hand went shooting across my mouth before anything else could come tumbling from my lips. All I could do was turn to my family and meekly apologise for my sudden rage, simply saying 'I don't where that came from. I didn't know I hated her that much! I am so sorry.' My darling mum, who never once at the time told me how much she too disliked my year three teacher simple said 'Oh, piss it Josephine. Don't worry about it, she was a silly bitch after all!' God love my mother.
Let me explain a little, just one of my memories of this teacher was having her pick up a piece of my work, which I had been working on for the entire lesson, look at it, laugh, no, more like cackle, tear it up and throw it away before telling the whole class that that piece of work was not acceptable from anyone. Not in her class anyway (As I said, Bitch!). If I had been messing around during the lesson and torn my work or drawn all over it I would say fair enough to be honest, but the truth is that I was (and still am) severely dyslexic and was trying my very hardest. When I had to suffer this teacher my reading age barely reached four years. Even the most heartless of you will agree that perhaps she was a little on the harsh side!? I would call her a twunt at this point but she does not deserve to be called such a cool word. No, it was not only this teacher that turned me from the head strong girl I was into who I am today but I think she was most definitely the person that started it all off.
If any of you reading this ever feel as if some insufficient bully is shrinking your confidence and you are beginning to lose yourself, then I urge you to take a moment to think why it is exactly that you care what this vile person thinks of you. I bet you come up with nothing. If this is true, then please just take this time to yell 'FUCK YOU!' with all your might and think no more about that persons opinion. I cannot tell how disconcerting it is to look back at your past self with utter envy. Especially when that past self is six. I can tell you now that that bully isn't half the person you are.
I will probably never see that cretinous waste that was my year three teacher again, but I'd like to think that if I did, I would have the tiniest morsel of my childhood self still to say to her "Mrs T*******, Carlsburg don't make superfluous shits, but if they did...!!"
Even just writing that down for all to read I can suddenly feel that boldness come back. Just a little, anyway. And I feel so much better for it. And I believe I feel that confident grin coming back already. You know, it's at times like these when I resent the fact that The Nice One lives so far away; I would like to put my new bold self into ACTION!! Huzzah!
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