No man is an island..

I found this post that I wrote back in September this year. It was during my first week at my new job. I'm not sure why I didn't post it, but here it is;

"I live alone now. Did I tell you that? No, of course I didn't. I disappeared off the face of the earth without so much of a hello for months. I know, I'm an awful person. Throw me in the gutter until I vaguely resemble Jean Val Jean in the beginning of Les Mis. Tad dramatic!? Well, that is my style.

I'm digressing, aren't I? Oh yes, I live alone. After a little light back stabbing from previous flat mates, it's been heavenly. If I want to leave the washing for a week; I do. If I want to walk around in my birthday suit; I do. If I want to watch the Para/Olympics 24 hours without break whilst having heart palpitations during every other event; I do. If I want to dance around to musical numbers at midnight; I bloody well do.

This week, however, things were different. I've started my new job. It was stressful. I was nervous. My stomach felt full and unpleasant. I was excited. I could barely eat. My palms became sweaty. My head felt light. I was exhausted. Mentally. Physically. Completely. I couldn't sleep. I couldn't wake up.

But because Manchester still doesn't hold the amount of friends that London or my hometown hold (YET), I had no one to tell. There was no one to excitingly ask how my day was when I arrived home. There was no one to offer to cook because of the bags under my eyes and the pain radiating down into my feet. There was no one there to gossip with about my wonderfully kind new team. There was no one to reassure me that I can do this. Or merely offer me up a rejecting-all-things-grown-up high five. I was alone. And I felt it.

To top it all, Dynasty was having early birthday drinks in London, The Blonde One drank so much white wine that her Saturday morning texts were somewhat amusing to a well slept best friend. However, they spent their Friday night drinking and enjoying each others company with a handful of other wonderful London living folk and I was not there. I missed out as I must get used to doing.

My heart is craving company but my head is too busy to give into her demands. For the first time my flat felt empty. If felt ominous. It felt cold. I wither on about the importance of independence and I still firmly believe in that, but last week independence could have screwed itself from here to the Indian oceans, and I would have done anything for some good old fashioned rescuing. What did I truly need rescuing from? I couldn't tell you, but sometimes we just all need someone, whether that be a family member, a friend or a lover, to swoop in and just be with you, next to you, there."

I have found it very interesting to look back at that post. I can honestly say I don't remember feeling such strong feelings, but they were obviously there. I'm very happy to report that I no longer feel the loneliness that took hold that week. I come home and I'm sometimes eternally grateful for the peace and quiet. The stillness of living alone. Occasionally, after a particularly stressful day I do wish there was someone here to make me dinner or do the washing up (something I hate so very much that if I ever found someone that would do my washing up for me, I would insist on us marrying that very day), but it never last for any length of time.

As for rescuing? I'd have to say that I'm unchanged in my view. As much as I believe we all need the opportunity to stand on our own two feet, to know that you can do it. If all else goes horribly wrong in your life, you can make it to the other side on your own, I also feel that no man is an island. Certainly not this man. So to speak (because I'm a woman. Obviously. Do keep up).

I have not always been of this opinion. Being as dyslexic as I am, during my GCSE years, A level years and so on I felt that if I had any help given to me, the grades would not be my own. I refused to let my mother even proof read my work. Stubborn fool comes close to representing me back then. The older I get, the more places I work, the more complex my job becomes the more I realise that you can't do it alone. And frankly, I wouldn't want to. Because of the complex needs of the children I now teach I have a team of five TA's and I can honestly say that without them you'd find me rocking back and forth. In a corner. Of the toilets. Muttering something about paperwork, display boards, meetings and therapy putty. They enable me to enjoy my job as much as I do and I'm grateful to them each and every day. Sometimes I get overwhelmed and manically hug them all. But whenever I do something truly bizarre and out of the ordinary I simply lie and tell them 'it's a southern thing'. I don't think they buy it.

When this years birthday plans fell through Dynasty dropped all her plans and came up to Manchester to spend the weekend with me. There's a reason she's such a favourite.

When I was financially as tight as a politicians tax forms, The Blonde One offered to lend me money until my new job started. I didn't take it, but the knowledge that it was there was enough to relieve the majority of the stress. I will be forever in love with this tiny blonde beauty.

A few weeks ago I became frightened when a drunken wanker tried to physically push me around on the street, The Boy reassured me that if I felt scared and needed reassurance again then he would be there to help me. Not matter what's gone on.

When I was sad and asked twitter for cake, My Twitter Soul Mate sent me homemade biscuits. With love.

And there isn't a blog big enough to mention my family.

I am not an island. Yes, I can probably get by on my own, but I don't want to. What is the point in great success if there is no one there to celebrate with champagne? And then laugh at your drunken dancing. What is the point in horrendous and embarrassing dates if there are no friends to relate the events to? What is the point in a home if you can't fill it with photos of those ridiculous members of the human race you adore? What is the point of screaming someone's name if you can't look into their eyes, smile, blush and mock them until they stop you with a kiss?

I may not be an island, I may be an entire world of complications, confusion and damn right frustration with all the people I surround myself with but I wouldn't be an island if you paid me all the money in the world. With no one to share it with, what would be the use of it?

Yes, I may have been overwhelmed in that first week of my new job and reading that post was more than a little uncomfortable, but if it reminds me of the ones I love and need, then perhaps we all need to feel a little lost and overwhelmed at times.

Now who's ready for a snog? I'm feeling all warm and fuzzy inside and I need to share it! *winks* (Told you I was a flirt!)